10 Lessons I learnt in 2019
Summarising an entire year into one blog post is pretty hard especially considering the fact that my memory and concentration has been failing me and been absolutely down the drain lately. I can hardly remember what I did yesterday let alone an entire year (thanks depression!). I can, however, put it into five quick & easy bullet points which actually makes it easier for both you - and me - to read and write down.
I note that I haven't posted since 2018 when I first accepted my current full-time job, and time has essentially just flown by. Looking back on my last post makes me kind of melancholic as that post still resonates to me and what I learnt back then I'm still trying to really process now. I actually think that perhaps 2018 me seemed way wiser than current me now.
Having the responsibility of a job just means that I'll be able to use those experiences and skills to increase my financial situation. To be able to allow me to be financial stable and secure in my life. What this means in the end? It will allow me the freedom to pursue my dreams and hobbies...So what I really need to do now is find a hobby I enjoy.
I haven't found a hobby I truly enjoy yet, it's still a work in progress, sadly, but I hope I'll get there in the end. In the meantime, I do have five striking points on what I learnt in the year 2019 (one of the worst years of my life mentally, physically and development & growth-wise). I feel like I've learnt nothing and progressed nothing but at the same time have learnt so much? Does that even make sense? Ok, here we go:
- Everything in balance, to have the good you do need the bad
I think ultimately this year I've learnt that people come and go out of your lives for a reason. Time doesn't stay still for everyone and you for sure need to have bad times in your life to fully appreciate the good. 2018 was such a good year for me - I got everything I wanted at the time (or so I thought...) and got to make friends with some rad people. 2019 was the absolute shithole of a year. Friends leaving, burnt out by work, self-confidence and self-esteem was down the drain. I even went on holiday to JAPAN which I have been looking forward to visiting for my entire life and was absolutely MISERABLE (??). So I've learnt that there's always going to be bad to balance out the good.
- Relationships are a lot more complicated than I thought (but I learnt a lot)
I was involved in an intimate relationship this year that went on longer than it should have and it was a very complicated relationship because I didn't understand it and sucked at communicating properly with what I wanted and needed. Relationships, in general, are super layered and I don't know where to even start or how to explain it. What I thought I knew about relationships completely don't even align with what I thought last year and I've been an absolute shit show about it. I don't know if it's because I've been really depressed this past year or what but it's like I remember a past life where I was able to build relationships and intimacy and now I just can't. It's not possible for me anymore.
I think for me on relationships I've also learnt that you need to know yourself first and get to love yourself before being in a relationship just so you know exactly what you want from it and what you can give back. I would also then add that even if you are in a relationship - don't lose your sense of self, your hobbies, what your passions are because they are what make you uniquely you and if you surround your whole life around a singular person, it makes it hard on the other person to cater to your needs and it's not a healthy relationship.
Note to self to really work on yourself, your health, fitness, goals and aspirations so you can get what you want in life.
- Get to know yourself & love her fully
I have a hard time with this because I think from this whole year the most important lesson I learnt was that I really don't know myself or who I am. Someone told me I didn't have enough life experience and was still such a small child even in an adult body. It then also relates back to my previous point where you can't get into a relationship without fully knowing who you are or what you want in life. You're in a relationship to make the person happy but you don't even know what makes you happy. So figure it out. This year I hope to be able to figure out exactly what I like and want.
- Having a full-time job, stable house and having kids isn't the end goal for everyone
I've said it once and I'll say it again - humans will never be satisfied. We'll always want more and more. I've come to the realisation that even when I get the things that I thought I wanted, it might not actually always bring me happiness. Stable house and family with kids? Who knows if I really want it or if I've just been conditioned by my parents who expect those kinds of things from me. You've really got to pursue hobbies, passions and things that genuinely make you happy and I'm here for it this year.
- I'm depressed & it's just getting worse now...
Truths out. 2019 was not my year. I'm hoping to seek a counsellor to get this issue resolved and I hope that will eventually help me get my sense of self back.
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