I think ultimately this year I've learnt that people come and go out of your lives for a reason. Time doesn't stay still for everyone and you for sure need to have bad times in your life to fully appreciate the good. 2018 was such a good year for me - I got everything I wanted at the time (or so I thought...) and got to make friends with some rad people. 2019 was the absolute shithole of a year. Friends leaving, burnt out by work, self-confidence and self-esteem was down the drain. I even went on holiday to JAPAN which I have been looking forward to visiting for my entire life and was absolutely MISERABLE (??). So I've learnt that there's always going to be bad to balance out the good. 

I was involved in an intimate relationship this year that went on longer than it should have and it was a very complicated relationship because I didn't understand it and sucked at communicating properly with what I wanted and needed. Relationships, in general, are super layered and I don't know where to even start or how to explain it. What I thought I knew about relationships completely don't even align with what I thought last year and I've been an absolute shit show about it. I don't know if it's because I've been really depressed this past year or what but it's like I remember a past life where I was able to build relationships and intimacy and now I just can't. It's not possible for me anymore.

I think for me on relationships I've also learnt that you need to know yourself first and get to love yourself before being in a relationship just so you know exactly what you want from it and what you can give back. I would also then add that even if you are in a relationship - don't lose your sense of self, your hobbies, what your passions are because they are what make you uniquely you and if you surround your whole life around a singular person, it makes it hard on the other person to cater to your needs and it's not a healthy relationship.

Note to self to really work on yourself, your health, fitness, goals and aspirations so you can get what you want in life. 

I have a hard time with this because I think from this whole year the most important lesson I learnt was that I really don't know myself or who I am. Someone told me I didn't have enough life experience and was still such a small child even in an adult body. It then also relates back to my previous point where you can't get into a relationship without fully knowing who you are or what you want in life. You're in a relationship to make the person happy but you don't even know what makes you happy. So figure it out. This year I hope to be able to figure out exactly what I like and want. 

I've said it once and I'll say it again - humans will never be satisfied. We'll always want more and more. I've come to the realisation that even when I get the things that I thought I wanted, it might not actually always bring me happiness. Stable house and family with kids? Who knows if I really want it or if I've just been conditioned by my parents who expect those kinds of things from me. You've really got to pursue hobbies, passions and things that genuinely make you happy and I'm here for it this year. 

Truths out. 2019 was not my year. I'm hoping to seek a counsellor to get this issue resolved and I hope that will eventually help me get my sense of self back.