Bullying, Depression and LonelinessToday at school during lunchtime, we had a preach off where two students from the school shared their story/testimonies. I ended up dropping a few tears during the whole 40 minutes because of the stories they've shared. I thought my life had been horrible these past few days because of stress and schoolwork and the whole future-who-do-i-want-to-be!
Haha - nope! These girls (and they are younger than me by 1-2 years respectively) have got it so much worse than me. Even though my parents fight a lot and we have money problems, family issues and I get depressed a lot; their lives have been pretty harsh and I just admire them for being so strong. They had to struggle with their parents getting divorced, bullying, deaths of loved ones, being molested, their Christian faith and loneliness. I just - how would I even be able to face those kinds of problems?
Anyways, since I would never be able to do a whole testimonial/preach off thing - I thought I might just write down things that have been bothering me and my story now.
I've always been a really quiet and shy person in real life. I've never been much of an eloquent person or a good speaker and so people always assume I'm boring. Especially when I always hang out with my friend, Yun, who is like so friendly and outgoing with other people as she makes people laugh all the time. Then there's just me - the girl who is just there next to her and laughs along. So it really does make me feel invisible when they tell her to hang out with them or invite her outside of school right in front of my face. They also never talk to me if Yun isn't around but they never actually do when she is around anyways. I don't know how to make friends to be honest - especially the ones at school. It's like they've already categorised me as this and that sort of person so they won't talk to me. I don't think I was born to be an entertainer and I'm so socially awkward - I just feel so alone because nobody appreciates who I really am. When I'm talking to the group of girls, I feel like they never truly listen to what I have to say but just want to be entertained and have a great time. I do have friends who actually listen to what I have to say and have a good time with but most of my classes - I am with these girls and Yun friends with them - so it's like I have to with them as well. I only text like 2 people from school and the rest is my family. So it's like - do I really have any friends at all? I hate being invisible and being ignored by people. Whenever I try to contribute to the conversation, I always start but nobody ends up listening to what I want to say so I always stop halfway through. Sometimes, I like being by myself but these days - it's like I'm only ever talking to myself and it really sucks.
I was bullied in year four and I thought it would never end but it did but it still affected me a lot. All the girls in my year basically ganged up against me and nobody would be my friend. So I used to have lunch in the toilet cubicles and cry in there by myself - quietly so that nobody would hear. I remember once we went to the library and I sat down at a table but then the girls sat at the table I was sitting and there weren't enough seats so they told me to go to another table but I didn't. So they took my library bag and my pencil case away so that I would move and sit somewhere else. They would also insult me but not only that - they would make fun of my family as well. This one girl also punched me in the stomach and they would trap me in a corner and sometimes physically bully me but most of the time it was verbal abuse that really hurt. I can't really remember when it stopped but I remember what happened.
I wish I was one of those girls that didn't bottle everything up inside but I guess I'm not one of them because I keep everything inside as I don't have the appropriate people to talk to or I don't know how they'll react or something will happen to change our friendship - they'll treat me differently and with sympathise for me which I don't want. I've contemplated suicide ever since year ten and each year just gets harder and harder not to think of it. I would never be able to cut myself but I thought of taking more pills than I should or that I would run away from everything. I know I shouldn't be feeling this but this is how I'm feeling right now - lonely and depressed - and I don't know why.